The Parent Trap

Our friends Stephanie and Danny are in the process of adopting a baby.  I’ve seen people go through this, as well as artificial methods and it’s long, tedious, often heartbreaking and only cements my belief of how serious parenting is.

The real rub is knowing how many people have kids and don’t want them or rather, shouldn’t have them in the first place.  I was in the Wal-Mart last night…

I know, me again with the Wal-Mart.

…talking to a former co-worker when I watched a woman smack the hell out of her kid with a DVD.  Granted, the kid was screaming about something and she was way too old to behave like that (for that matter, too old to be pushed in a cart).  Did her behavior warrant getting clocked with a copy Madea Goes To Jail?  Maybe.  I’m not above clocking an unruly kid but keep in mind, I got hit twice as a kid.  Ever.  My father’s theory that if you have to hit a kid often, then you aren’t doing it right.  This is the same man who when children would come to visit he clearly explained to the parents, “I treat any kid in my house like my kid… they step out of line and I will pop them.”  It never came to this because unlike a lot of parents these weren’t threats… these were rules and rules have consequences.

So I was in Sam’s Club getting a pizza…

Shut up, I give a lot of money to the Sam Walton company and contribute to the downfall of America… but it’s close to my house, the pizza is tasty and socks are twelve for three dollars.

…and watched a two-year old play on the floor and scamper around repeatedly as the mother watched.  On occasion she would stand him upright only to have him on the floor two minutes later.  I watched waiting for someone to hit him with a cart of Brontosaurus steaks and gallon cans of black olives.

The floor… in a Sam’s Club.  If you don’t see what’s wrong with that then you probably have that kid that plays under the table in restaurants and in the clothing racks at department stores and brush it off with, “They aren’t hurting anyone.”

Years ago at the theatre my sister-in-law was getting her seat kicked by a kid.  She turned around and gave him a look.  A few minutes later he started in again.  She turned and politely asked him to stop kicking her chair.  The woman sitting next to him took notice.  A few minutes later he started again at which point Danielle turned and politely asked the woman if these were her children, the woman said, “Yes,” and Danielle told her, “You should be ashamed your children don’t know how to behave in public.”

She then watched the rest of her movie and her chair was never kicked again.  Nothing like someone calling you out on your parenting skills to shame you into doing what you should have been doing the whole time.  And Danielle, being one hundred and five pounds of born and bred New Yorker, is just the person to make that happen.  She’s here to watch Brendan Fraser fight mummies… not make friends.

It wasn’t until last year while we were watching Meet The Robinsons (and for two people without children we watching a lot of cartoons), Natalie told me there were no more orphanages.  They’ve been replaced with people’s private residences.  It was a process, like slaughterhouses and diamond mines I never really thought about it.  Like when Matt Lauer tells me a bunch of Pennsylvania miners are trapped in a shaft or a billion dollars is being used to give people with antennas the ability to watch The Bachelorette my reaction is always, “There are still miners?  And who is still watching TV with antennae?  Are they watching from 1975?”  If I had thought about it, I probably would have liked to have thought somewhere in town was a place where all the orphaned kids go and sleep in some kind of barrack configuration and maybe Carol Burnett does a drunken song and dance number bordering on genius.

Instead you’re put into someone’s home who watches you for cash.

Funny story, Annie is one of Natalie’s favorite movies.  She knows all the lyrics and watched the movie constantly in her youth.  As a child she wanted to be an orphan not understanding for that to happen her parents have to be dead.

It also bothers me the double standard that allows homosexuals to be foster parents but not be legal adoptive parents.  It really is the booty call of child welfare.

We’ll call you at two-thirty AM and hit that if nothing comes home with us from the club but I wouldn’t start picking out China patterns if I were you.

The fact that these dudes can’t adopt a kid…


…but this single unemployed woman can have fourteen is unfathomable.  Because nothing fills a gaping hole in your psyche like a baby.  And if the first one still leaves an empty spot in your life, go ahead and jam thirteen more babies in there.


Then again, she’s straight.  Well at least that’s what she told us since all her kids came from a bottle.  I question her sanity just based on all of her last eight kids have the same middle name.  Then again, if I had to name fourteen kids somewhere around eight I would just start naming them after random things.

I’ll call you three Wendy, Krystal and Denny.  And you guys will be Hardee, Popeye and Quizno.  I’m tired.  daddy needs his rest.  Has anyone seen Chipotle?  That little scamp.

How many kids is fourteen?  They could play basketball against each other and still have two men each to ride the bench.  There are only nine dudes in the Wu Tang Clan.  If you have a 2000 square foot house and subtract non living areas (like porches, garages and kitchens) and fifteen people living in it means each person has about six square feet to call their own or something roughly this size.


And let me call out another bunch of idiots.  This would be people have a litter of babies through artificial methods and thank God for the miracle of children.

No.  That would be a miracle of the Pfizer Corporation (NYSE: PFE) and a little thing we like to call science.  If you were paying attention you’d know God didn’t want you to have any babies.  For that matter, she was pretty cool with us living with Small Pox, Polio and probably wouldn’t care if we got rid of the Food And Drug Administration and just said a prayer over our unchecked pork and hoped for the best.

I’m not chastising people who have babies artificially.  I’m just saying you give credit where credit is due.

This brings me back to Stephanie and Danny who really want to be parents.  I wish them the best and hope it’s everything they ever wanted with full confidence they’ll be excellent at it…

…or at least better than these people.


shopping cart


seatbelt baby

parenting fail

parenting fail 2

parenting cart