live fast, die hard, leave a good looking corpse

I got a text a few days ago from Jon.

JON TEXT: Fess Parker is dead.

JIM TEXT: Was he killed by a bear?

A few days earlier Jon texted me with:

JON TEXT: Peter Graves is dead.

JIM TEXT:  I guess the IMF will disavow any knowledge of his existence.

I used that same Mission: Impossible joke when Greg Morris died a few years back and I’m sure I’ll be using it for Marin Landau and Tom Cruise.  Recycle, people.  We only have one Earth.

Nothing is worse than a celebrity death that is disappointing.  If Axl Rose dies at the age of eighty in a nursing home after slipping in the shower I am going to be highly pissed.  I want to read:

Musician Axl Rose died today after diving off an eleventh floor balcony at the Dakota at Central Park West.  The act, which has not been determined an accident or suicide was witnessed by Lars Ulrich, Colin Farrel, Jenna Haze and Sheena Easton.  Illegal substances are suspected.

And this should most definitely happen when he’s eighty.

The reality is celebrities should die as they (or at least led you to believe) lived.  People like Elvis Presley, James Dean, Lynyrd Skynyrd got it right.  Fess Parker’s death may have been a surprise to me mostly because I thought he he died fifteen years ago.  Their lives have been fabricated for our entertainment… why shouldn’t their deaths be also? 

Russell Crowe gets stabbed in a bar fight over a woman.

R Kelly gets shot on the steps of a courthouse by some girl’s father, Nino Brown style, after being acquitted of another child molestation charge.

James Caan dies in a hail of gunfire at a toll booth on the 101.

Leonard Nimoy dies sacrificing himself to stop a leak in a nuclear power plant.  Then William Shatner shoots him into space.

Leonardo DiCaprio gets shot in the back by Matt Damon.

Tiger Woods was found suffocated in a suite at the Bellagio.  The golfer was found under a pile of nine naked strippers and magician comedians Penn Jillete & Teller.  It’s undermined if the weight of the group prevented his lungs from expanding or he choked on the four thongs and body glitter found in his mouth.

We should all hope to die with that kind of dignity.


5 thoughts on “live fast, die hard, leave a good looking corpse

  1. ‘True Romance’ is in my Top 5. Feel free to reference it whenever you need to hear me spout random quotes ad nauseum. I’ll spare you this time, but I’ll get you next time Gadget. Next tiiiiiime!!!!

    That’s all I got.


  2. I like you, Jim. Always have(snaps and points finger), always will.

  3. Hey Jim. Get back on Facebook. Hide the people you don’t want to hear from. But we miss your witticisms at our posts and foibles.

  4. Ohhhhhh sonny, say it ain’t so!! I watched the Godfather with my roommate last night because she had never seen it. about halfway through I remembered this post and I just started laughing. oh jim, you’re so funny…

  5. We only have one Earth. Recycle, people.?

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