A few weeks ago I was sent an IM from a coworker with this clip and the comment: Watch this! Awesome!
JIM (Instant Messaging): What is wrong with you?
PETE: What? That’s hysterical.
JIM: No it isn’t. It’s someone’s grandma getting hit in the face with a ham… at a volunteer food drive… at what looks like a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.
PETE: I think it’s funny.
JIM: I think you’re an ass-stain.
It isn’t that I’m above seeing celebrities get hit in the face with hams, but come on… what kind of douche bag laughs at a sixty-two year old woman getting physically maligned? Not that grandmas are completely off limits and can’t do something that warrants an assault and under certain circumstances, I would laugh at that.
But those people have it coming. We’re talking celebrity chefs. Martha Stewart with her eerie calmness and Stepford Wife exterior… maybe. Anthony Bourdain… that guy is just a conceited shit. Giada DeLaurentis is ridiculously beautiful even suffering from a severe case of Kitten Head, hitting her with a ham would be like beating a unicorn to death with a sack of rainbows. Paula Deen? Who hates Paula Deen? What did she ever do to anyone?
Maybe I am taking this all a bit too seriously because in my head, Paula Deen is my backup mom.
You know how some people have a list of three (or in Natalee’s case, five) celebrities (or in Natalee’s case, rappers… I’m looking at you TI), you can sleep with in the event your paths cross? Well I have a backup parent list.
Now let’s be clear, I love my mother and would never want anything to happen to her. That being said, if I could pick another mom, it would be Paula Deen.
It has less to do with her insane cooking skills which follows the basic Deen Equation (which is (Food + Cream) + (Butter * 5) / BlueCross BlueShield = Tasty) and more to do with that southern Georgia vibe she gives off. I have a fascination with that southern mothering thing which also explains my crushes on Sissy Spacek, Holly Hunter and Sally Field (even though she was born in California and was beach bunny Gidget, that never stuck with me like Places in the Heart and Forrest Gump did). And possibly Dolly Parton (not for the obvious reasons… she’s my mom and that’s gross.
There is something to be said about being able to pick your own parents and it says a lot about who you are and what you need or are missing. I’ve asked the question to other people and I’ve had people give me answers like Catherine Zeta Jones or Jessica Alba.
Again, she’s supposed to be 1) Old enough to be your mom and 2) Someone you wouldn’t want to see naked.
Like if I were picking someone else to be my brother…
I could probably just stick this guy in there and my sister-in-law wouldn’t even notice for three weeks.
I do a thing called “Movie Jim” where in my head I recast the people I know as if there was a movie of my life. They really don’t have to be close but that would be the Movie version of that person.
My friend Jon gets to be played by Jude Law (and I want him to keep the accent… no reason).
His wife Amy is Kat Dennings from Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist.
My friend Tony gets Adam Richman from Man vs Food. This is really unfair since Adam Richman is about ten years old and fifty pounds heavier than Tony. In fact. we don’t even call him by name. We just call him “Fat Tony.”
I know you’re wondering about who plays me. I would be created by a series of professional motion capture mimes and a team of computer animators using state of the art technology to recreate my mannerisms and gestures with a technique they’ll refer to as “The Jimmy Effect” which mimics my rapid-fire speech patterns and sarcastic faces. It’s a lot like bullet-time from The Matrix but just much, much cooler. I would be voiced by Meryl Streep because she can do anything.
And I’d live on Pandora.