Having just survived the six week celebration of capitalism and gluttony known as “The Holidays,” I’d like to point out something disturbing I found existed a few years ago.
For those of you who watch much less Food Network than I, this is what happens when someone thinks it’s necessary to jam a deboned chicken into a deboned duck and then that bastard union into the ass of a deboned turkey creating the aviary orgy known as the Turducken.
And if you’re really clever and there is three square inches of space left in this Frankenstein bird, you fill it with sausage stuffing because nothing says insanity more than eating four different animals in one dish.
Someone once caught my fat ass ordering potato wedges and mashed potatoes as my side dished at Lee’s Famous Chicken and completely called me out on it… and I had it coming.
My defense was, “Wedges are good.” I lost that argument and I have a scale that proves it.
There is a part of me that questions, “Is that really necessary,” and not in the same way I question deep-fried Twinkies. I understand animals have to die so I can have meat, and trust me, I want the meat. Waking up a vegan is right behind “Zombie President Reagan” as my worst nightmare. I like my food to have had parents and a face. Humans have worked their way through millions of years of evolution (yes, evolution) and I should be able to eat anything dumber than me. This is why God made stupid animals tasty. Grizzly bear might taste like bacon wrapped lobster but I won’t be the one to find out because they’re hard to kill. Cows can be tipped over in their sleep. Chickens can’t even fly. The only way God could have made that easier to make them butter Creole flavored.
And if dolphins are so damn smart they’d figure a way out of those nets.
The problem is Americans never know when enough is enough. There is never too much. We’re not content with pizza… we have to jam cheese into the crust. Maybe make one out of Oreos. A cell phone that makes calls from wherever I am standing isn’t good enough. I need to be able to take a picture of myself, telling everyone on Facebook I am watching a three hour zombie pirate movie based on a theme park ride on a four inch screen while driving my car on the interstate. I live in a country where it isn’t good enough that someone will make my food and hand it to me without ever leaving my car… the food has to be this.
The holidays should be about being thankful we get to live the lives we have with the comforts afforded to us. Not how many birds we can jam into each other like Russian nesting dolls just because we can. At that point, we’re just being show-offs.
Knock it off.