Girl Nerds and the Vampire Boys Who Love Them

Hey look!  There is another Twilight movie out!

I am not going to kick Twilight since I already did that last year.  I also don’t like bashing things without having seen them and I haven’t seen Twilight because 1) I am thirty-seven and 2) I don’t have a vagina.  I also like my vampires nasty, my zombies fast and my homosexuals fa-laming!

Girls don’t get a lot to nerd out about.  Boys get to nerd out about every three weeks over something.  In the last month alone there has been a World Series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Star Trek and a four hour director cut of Watchmen on DVD and that’s leaving out college and pro football.

Girls get Twilight.  Enjoy your twinkly vampires.

The first time I saw girls nerds en masse was last year at the Sex and the City movie.  If you’re wondering what I was doing there it was my mom’s birthday and that was the movie she picked (and she doesn’t read my blog and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).  As I walked through the parking lot I felt severely underdressed.  Small tribes of women, the kind you generally find bottlenecking a ladies room, stood in clusters wearing heels and dresses like somewhere a New York & Company exploded and they were the victims.

I knew something was wrong when I saw nine women climb out of a limo like clowns at a circus.

These are girl nerds.  The ever-elusive girl nerd.

Not to say that these women lack social skills.  I’m not talking about that kind of nerd.  You know the kind… the ones that show up at a Barnes & Nobles at midnight dressed like small British boy wizards.  Even then, I would say those scenarios have the fifty/fifty male/female split.  You could argue there are fashionista nerds but they seldom have a reason to gather in packs.  A movie, however, provides that event for women to dress up where had this been your basic movie with the word “Saw” and a random roman numeral in the title, they would have worn what they wore to Target that afternoon.

No, what I was witnessing was the female equivalent of this:

For women, this is their Star Wars.  Their Star Trek.  Their X-Men, Lord of the Rings or whatever else would have gotten you laughed at by Claire Standish for asking her to prom.

Someone told me the lines were already forming to buy tickets weeks beforehand.  I asked were there any dudes there and was told, “Only gay dudes.”

That’s to be expected when you have movie with these images:

… which does make it look a little like gay porn.


You got off lucky.  I could have showed you the cover to Brotherhood of the Travelling Pants.

The closest I can tell it looks like this is a movie about a boy vampire who loves some skinny pale girl and a boy werewolf who tries to put the moves on said skinny pale girl.  Whatever… if you’re into that kind of thing so be it.  I just wonder what kind of girl is this that these are the dudes that are attracted to her?  I knew a white girl who, how can I say this gently, had a big round ass.  She told me one time she was getting sick of getting hit on by black guys.  She had nothing against black guys and had dated several but this was before she realized she was part of a fetish.  Not her fault.  It was just the kind of guys she attracted.  If two movies in and we’re already at vampires and werewolves I’m waiting for the next movie where she lies to a mummy varsity football player that she’s having his baby when really it belongs to a zombie she cheated on him with.

And like everything in our culture you have to identify yourself and your group.  Star Trek has Trekkies (or the in-denial Trekkers).  Lord of the Rings has Ringers.  My personal favorite are X-Philes.

Twlight has Twi-Hards.  This barely makes sense to me and if anything, makes my head hurt that someone used the pun of a legitimately great movie (which spawned a sub-genre of dudes getting stuck in things with terrorists) and applied it to this tween bullshit.

My friend Jessica (no, the other one) on her Facebook page, was handing out Team Edward pins.  This woman is completely grown, married and has a small son.  A few months earlier we and a co-worker of hers were having lunch and they told me how they were going to buy their copies of the first film on DVD the next day.  It was at this point Yvonne let loose this guttural, throaty purr generally reserved for large jungle cats, or in this case more specifically, cougars.

This was followed by the phrase, “Mama like, mama like.”  Again, two women with families and husbands clearly pushing the back half of thirty.

I always felt a little bad for boy bands knowing that even as the Jonas Brothers, the youngest of which is seventeen and the oldest is twenty-two, have, literally, millions of fans screaming for them, their average fan is probably fourteen.  This kills the whole glory of being a rock star which is to get women.  They can’t very well point into a crowd and have random girls taken backstage to have their way with since it’d be illegal in most states and they’d probably have their moms with them.

Somehow, this Robert Patterson has stumbled into a way out of this managing to appeal to tween girls who he makes tingly and they don’t know why and their mom’s who tingle and they know exactly why.

Good for you, Bobby Patterson.  Ride that gravy train until the biscuit wheels fall off.  We give you shit but all us dudes wish we thought of starring in our own girly vampire movie when we were twenty-two.


One thought on “Girl Nerds and the Vampire Boys Who Love Them

  1. Hilarious and accurate review of “New Moon.” Though you haven’t seen it, I think you’ve hit it dead on. The throng of older woman with children who worship Twilight still makes me awkward, but so do all the other Twi-Hards really. I’m always going to be a huge vamp nerd girl, but only of the big, bad scary ones.

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