I was at the Best Buy customer service counter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman pushing a poodle in a stroller.
JIM: Did I just see a dog?
CUSTOMER SERVICE CLERK EVELYN: Yeah. That happens.
It’s no secret I have no real love for animals. They make noise, chew things, require attention and there is absolutely no chance they’ll take care of me when I get old. It doesn’t help that I am allergic which is why I stopped eating puppies years ago. I can stomach dogs more than cats knowing when I am eighty-five and die in my home, the odds that a dog will be waiting at my side for me to wake up is greater than a cat which will probably wait two days and then start eating me.
I’m not even going to get on the principals of dogs in strollers when animals should be walked. I barely like kids in strollers.
If you’re not old enough to walk through Disney World you’re not old enough to go to Disney World. I’ll be hot damned if I’m paying sixty bucks to carry you through this plastic park.
I have yet to see anyone who actually has a toddler put a dog in a stroller. I have never seen one of those twin strollers with a toddler in one side and a Shar Pei in the other and if I did I’d probably have an aneurism. This is behavior reserved for people who don’t have children and want to play parent with another living thing thinking it feels the same way back.
They’re like our babies.
I hear this a lot and it’s complete horseshit. Only someone without babies would ever say this like “Mo Money, Mo Problems” is only said by rich rappers. My friend Jennifer works for a vet and I think at most they had something insane like five dogs and seven cats in their home which is unusual if your last name isn’t Clampett. They now have three kids. If I went all Sophie’s Choice on her and put a gun to the head of two of her kids and told her she has ten seconds to choose we’re going to have a problem. If I did the same thing with one of her kids and her favorite dog the smart money is she answers with nine seconds to spare and sleeps like a baby that night.
It’s the same logic that makes this happen.
My mall used to have a gourmet pet treat store. I am eating at the swill at Panda Express and on the other side of the mall they are selling gourmet pet treats. Just out of curiosity, who the hell comes up with the recipe for this? Are pets really that discriminating? You know, the dogs that overturn your trash, eat your coffee grounds and spend most of their time licking their own junk.
I’d like to think the gourmet pet store closed because people aren’t stupid enough to buy that but someone must because I saw a commercial for this the other night. What kind of country do I live in where we have to have food drives for the needy at Thanksgiving and Christmas at the same store that sells appetizers… for pets.
Enjoy the canned beets I found in my pantry, sucker, because those are gonna have to last you the other three hundred and sixty three days of the year…
Earlier in the year a woman got mauled by her best friend’s pet chimpanzee. She was on the Today show this morning and she’s “recovered” and by that I mean she is missing both hands, an eye and her face looks like a lump of dough someone stuck on her neck. She wears a veil to keep from scaring people.
They had a press release from her friend, the chimpanzee owner, which basically said we’re very sorry and we did our best by calling 911 and we wish for a speedy recovery.
Well, there really isn’t much of a recovery when your hands and face have been ripped off. Those are pretty permanent.
I feel horrible for this woman and maybe she didn’t have enough sense to stay away from a house where there was ninety pound wild animal someone dressed in cutesy clothes and let it sleep in a bed like it was a person not realizing it could kill everyone in that house if it felt like it. I saw Cinder, a chimpanzee in the St Louis Zoo with a skin condition that didn’t allow him to grow hair and let me tell you if you could see a chimp without hair it will scare the hell out of you.
It’s like the most ripped old man you ever saw which is what happens if you only eat fruit and dangle from trees all day. A monkey arm is essentially a steel bar wrapped in fur. This goes back to when people say stupid shit like, “My dog doesn’t bite,” which really should be, “My dog doesn’t bite me.”
Of course not. You feed it every day. I’m just the schmuck in your house. He has no allegiance to me.
This isn’t to say that all animals should be feared because they shouldn’t. I’ve watched my brother tug in his Pit Bull’s tail and ears and stick his fingers in his mouth but again… that’s his dog. The majority of dog bites in this country are by Jack Russells and every generation demonizes a breed of dog. After the sixties (and the Civil Rights Movement) it was German Shepherds. In the seventies and eighties it was Dobermans (see The Omen) and for the past twenty years it’s been Pit Bulls.
The difference is Bobby never forgets that a Pit Bull is, for all intents and purposes, a dog with a shark’s head. My policy with animals is don’t forget they’re animals… that and never have one you can’t punt if it loses its shit for no reason.
Everything that’s cute isn’t meant to be your pet. I heard of a woman who had taken in raccoons because their adorable. True. They’re also feral and have thumbs so fuck if I’m letting them in my house. She found this out the hard way when they tore ass out of her kitchen.
People who push their dogs around in strollers or dress monkeys up like little butlers clearly have lost the delineation between people and their pets and have made the mistake that other people care for their pets as much as they do. We don’t. When I see a woman with a dog in a purse at Applebees giving me the stink-eye because he wants my Queso Blanco, I don’t think it’s cute. I think there is a woman who doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries and places of business. I think that person is inconsiderate and thinks everyone likes her dog as much as she does or values her dog more than people, in which case, she’s an asshole.
Knock it off.