Fun With Cell Phones – Summer Edition

Here I am with another blog proving nobody uses cell phone cameras for anything important and this is an easy way out of writing a blog when I would rather be playing Batman Arkham Asylum on Xbox.

First off, how stupid have we gotten that they’re actually spelling Mountain Dew as Mtn Dew?

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When you figure out how to text me a cold and tasty Mtn Dew on my cell phone I’ll find this acceptable, otherwise, stop being a forty year old advertising executives trying to sound cool to fifteen year old kids.  You’re the same douches that think the Pillsbury Doughboy should rap in commercials or gangsta Mickey Mouse is a good idea.

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Nothing ruins something cool like letting your mom do it.  The time I saw Katie Couric say “dissed” on the Today Show I thought my brain would explode.  You’re not fooling anybody.  You’re old.  Just accept it.  I have.

A few months ago Circuit City went out of business and we’re all better for it.  I hated those red-shirted lazy bastards.  Not being above picking over the carcass of the dead for a bargain I went into the store which had mostly been cleaned out but I did find this.

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I took a double take because I wasn’t sure I saw that right but yes, that is a big box of feminine hygiene products.  How desperate did that place get?  That’s one step away from selling the doorknobs and the carpet.  Now that I think about it, it would have been worth it to by this ginormous box just to see the look on Natalie’s face.

Had they been made by Apple, Circuit City may still be in business today.  iPons… that’s funny.

Speaking of underwear…

I keep hearing about women’s bad body image created by society but is this really necessary?

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This would be like buying Lil Peenie jock straps for your son and wonder why he hates women when he gets older.  What impact could there be on an A-cup fourteen year old by buying her Sweet Nothing bras?  What could possibly go wrong there?  It seems harmless and maybe a little cute and then ten years later she gets a job and a paycheck and this happens.  Thanks, mom.

Sheyla Hershey Sets Breast Implants Record With 38KKK

And if you’re wondering that is Sheyla Hershey and those 38KKKs are all hers… and if you don’t believe me I’m sure she can show you the reciept.  I’m not staring… I just want to know what the bottom of that shirt says.  It seems important.

While we’re talking about underwear, has anyone ever felt the need to reseal a package of underwear?

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I didn’t flip them over see if they had a freshness date.  When I was younger my mom used to say my underwear was ripe but I don’t think this is what she meant.

This I just found funny.  I bet they don’t sell a lot of these in Los Angeles.

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I can see the Target commercial now.

It’s Back To School time for girls, boys, Crips and Bloods…

And then there is this:

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Apparently this is a problem I’m not familiar with but it prevalent enough to justify two companies trying to fill this need.  Has anyone ever had an “iPod Emergency?”  You know, you’re walking down a dark alley and suddenly a street dancing gang like in a Michael Jackson video appears and you whip out the iPod only to find the battery is dead and then BAM… you just got served.

If you have had anything involving an iPod that you consider an emergency and doesn’t involve a car accident and a Nano being embedded in your forehead, come visit me so I can promptly smack you in your face.  You’re the same idiots that call 911 when someone sells you bad weed or you’re this douche wasting my taxpayer money.

I get mixed up with Spanish since there is a male and female version of words but I found this interesting.

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Not Latin Food.  Latino Food.  Just for Latin men.  You ladies, get your salsa and Goya products elsewhere.  I wonder in Latin Groceries is there a White People Food section where they keep the Starbucks Coffee and organic tofu.

Okay.  This is just disgusting.

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This is the Spit-Can-Vertor.  It is a funnel that fits onto the top of a soda, oh hell who are we kidding, can of Milwaukee’s Best so you can spit your chewing tobacco juice without the inconvenience or social awkwardness of spitting large amounts of viscous liquid past people when you’re talking.

Who the fuck still does this?  It’s illegal to smoke on Earth but people still chew this bullshit and spit it out?  I will gladly inhale someone’s second hand smoke than have to watch anyone spit while I talk to them.  At least smoking can be made to look cool.  Somehow Casablanca would probably loose it’s classic status if the Café Americain was filled with Humphrey Bogart et al spitting chaw.

This is just a picture of a moron.

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First let’s start with the obvious; your car is an old piece of shit.  Just accept it.  Don’t try to cool it up with some ridiculous phrase on the window.  Your car doesn’t need character.  It just needs to get you from Point A to Point B.  And is there anybody with an IQ higher than 90 or over the age of seven that thinks truck nuts are a good idea.  Find the intelligence of the average person and fifty percent of people are dumber than that guy.

Heh heh, my car has balls.  Balls.

Settle down, Beavis.  At lunch Jon said he’d seen a guy with super thick chain holding the largest pair of steel bolt nuts he’d ever seen and he had to respect that.  We knew what it meant but it required a little thought and wasn’t passing off vulgarity as wit, unlike this guy.  Bravo, redneck… bravo.  I bet your mom is proud.

And then there is this genius little bit of sign placement.

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These are instructions on how to open a flip phone and use it which I guess would be useful if you were Alexander Graham Bell and found yourself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap, will be the leap home… otherwise, you’re a moron.  First, a flip cell phone has one moving part and that’s a hinge.  Explaining how to open a cell phone is like explaining how to open a door… if you’re over the age of two you probably can figure this out and now that I think about it, I am pretty sure I have seen babies under the age of two open a cell phone.  Secondly, it’s not telling you how to operate the phone.  Sure, that a little different from phone to phone.  This is just telling you how to open it.  Again, right up there with food instructions that have to tell you to take the macaroni out of the box.  I also like how the picture has the man talking on a closed cell phone which is impossible since you can’t answer the call.  And lastly, the instructions are on the inside of the fucking phone. You can’t read them until you figure out how to open the phone which is something like Dorothy after she was terrorized by flying bellhop-uniformed blue monkeys, watched her companions torn to shreds and set fire to, drugged in a field of poppies and captured, forced to kill an evil witch then being told by Glenda  that she could have gone home any time she wanted to by clicking her shoes together.

Thanks for nothing, you dizzy bitch.

Here is an idea: why doesn’t someone make some art showing people how to not answer their phone in a theatre or how obnoxious it is to play with your phone instead of enjoying the company of the people you’re with.  These same people also get points for putting the battery removal instructions inside the battery panel.

This sign I found in a restroom.

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Now  Jim, There is nothing funny about that.  Cleanliness is important.  Nobody wants disease or swine flu.

Normally I would agree with you but this sign was in a Barnes & Nobles.  I don’t have much contact with the people in a Barnes & Nobles unless you’re the checkout cashier in which case your handling money which is laced with God know what and cocaine.  Her hands are tainted ten seconds after she gets back to her register.  The other thing could be they handle lots of books which leads me to my next point.

Where do they think these books go when they leave their store?

I’ll be reading this in my study and by study I mean toilet.

I know this because most of my comic book reading is done in the john since it takes me exactly fifteen minutes to read a comic which is exactly the same amount of time it takes me to relax and do my business.  Natalie read an entire Harry Potter book during toilet breaks.

Oh yeah, to Natalie’s sister Brittany… sorry about your Harry Potter book.

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3 thoughts on “Fun With Cell Phones – Summer Edition

  1. And I had a double-take at that box of feminine hygiene products too. That’s just… so…

  2. I know you fought it for a long time, but the day you broke down and bought a camera phone was truly one of the happiest days of my life. LOL!!

  3. I’m glad to see you’re feeling better…

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