Death Becomes You

Barack Obama, President of the United States of America
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC

Dear Mr. President,

I am applying for a long term position with advancement potential with your administration, specifically in the Department of Health and Human Services.  I am aware of the current attempt to bring universal health care to the all Americans and I’d like to offer my special skill set to your cause.  After reading Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, I think I have found my calling.

I am applying for a position as a member of one of your Death Panels.

What qualifies me for this position?  I live in Florida, Death’s waiting room.  I am consistently surrounded by the elderly and find them slow and confused.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am completely against killing honest, effective, disease-free Americans but these low-income, worthless Nancy Grace watching bitches have got to go.  You want a more productive economy?  Let’s get as many of these cottonheads off the road as possible so I can get to work on time.  Seriously?  Where do they have to be at 7:30a… the Denny’s is open twenty-four-seven.  Isn’t there a mall they can power walk through?  Have you ever seen them try and use a cell phone?  It’s like watching a monkey ride a bicycle… I’ve seen it done but it never looks natural.  And all their talk about “The Good Ole Days” and “The America They Grew Up With.”  Where things were better and people were better and I am tired of hearing about it.  We’re better off with our twenty-four hour news cycles, social apathy and it’s only a matter of time before the next Thomas Payne publishes Common Sense for the twenty-first century on Twitter

In short, they are bumming me out.

I find the liberal Hollywood media has made the mentally and physically disabled into heroes.  Forrest Gump and Rain Man are portrayed as geniuses instead of the drain on our society they actually are.  Mowing lawns for free is worse than immigrant labor and counting cards is outright illegal.  In A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe is handsome, a basket case, a genius and gets Jennifer Connolly?  Ridiculous.  There are children in America watching the mentally retarded hoping they can get their own reality show where they can be surrounded by sixteen more retarded people vying to reproduce with them and this cannot be permitted to happen.  Something must be done.

I envision a Death Panel made of myself, Donald Trump, and Olivia Newton-John.  People in need of health care will be stand before us and present their case, what they have accomplished in their lives, what they hope to accomplish and how they benefit the new America we are carving in your image.  This will be followed by a short talent segment.  Technology permitting, I picture they may be standing in two rotating hula hoops while we will appear as blue-tinted disembodied floating holograms above them and delivery our judgment in baritone voices like in the movie Superman.

Of course, to benefit the economy, this will be broadcast on Fox and hosted by Melissa Rivers.

I would enjoy an opportunity to talk with you or someone in your organization (preferably Michelle or Kumar) to see where my skill set would be of the greatest benefit to your company.


James Ford


3 thoughts on “Death Becomes You

  1. You, as always, have that unique sense of humor. I totally enjoyed it. CJ

  2. Sometimes your satire is stinging!

  3. Loved this! satire makes me happy.

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