Twenty Things You Can Be Pretty Sure Won’t Happen In An Obama Administration

– President Obama always enters with a beat box rendition of “Hail To The Chief” performed by Doug E Fresh (“Six minutes… six minutes… six minutes and Barack you’re on…”).

– “In God We Trust” on currency replaced with, “America: Thursday Night Ladies Drink Free.”

– Refers to Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis and Administrator of the EPA Lisa Jackson as his “Cabinet Bitches.”

– Cadillac One gets spinning rims on twenty-twos.

– Three words: Press Secretary Madea.

– Consistently refers to Michelle Obama as his “Boo” and Sasha and Malia as his “Shorties.”

– All addresses exclusively appear on BET between midnight and 4:00a as not to interrupt episodes of Sister, Sister and Lil Kim: Countdown To Lockdown. Video Soul may be preempted.

– Unlike George W Bush, Obama will not refer to members of the White House Press Corp with nicknames like “Cowboy” and “Nubby” but instead refer to them with dignity using their complete name, media affiliation and a personal message as in: “David Gregory, Meet The Press… holla at ya boy.”

– Tupac Shakur’s birthday made into a national holiday.

– National Anthem replaced with “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire.

– Presidential emblem and furniture in the Oval Office replaced with shag white carpet, black furniture and a large golden spinning globe with LED lights repeating the phrase, “The World Is Mine.”

– All Secret Service replaced by Jim Brown, Jim Kelly, Richard Roundtree and Fred Williamson.

– All appearances introduced by Michael Buffer and preceded by the Barack Obama Dancers.

– USS Ronald Reagan renamed the USS Quiet Storm.

– MC Hammer, TLC and Little Richard all qualify for a government bailout.

– Air Force One renamed Soul Plane One and when said aloud must always be bellowed… Don Cornelius-style with an emphasis on the word “soul” that lasts a minimum of fifteen seconds.

– Hires Marla Gibbs to be the White House maid because he likes her sass. If she is unavailable he’ll accept Gretchen Kraus from Benson.

– The White House appears on MTV Cribs.

– All of his suits will be pinstripes in various shades of mustard, purple and red from the Steve Harvey Collection.

– The new White House dog is a spike-collared pit bull named Debo. He’s never chained and allowed to run freely on the south lawn barking at tourists and chasing the President’s helicopter, Marine One.

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One thought on “Twenty Things You Can Be Pretty Sure Won’t Happen In An Obama Administration

  1. Of course Cadillac one wouldn’t have 22 inch rims – real ballers always roll on 24’s

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