The Request Lines Are Open

Natalie and I disagree about music.  Her music is good.  My music sucks.  In her defense, I stopped listening to music circa 1993.  I turned on MTV and realized everybody on that network was younger than me and acting like idiots.  I officially became “old” and much like zombies and vampirism, I didn’t fight it, it only makes things worse.  I just leaned in and took it like a man.

And for my younger readers, MTV stands for Music (not Miscellaneous) Television and they used to play short films set to songs.  These were called videos.  This was before the twelve hour Date My Mom marathons and Flavor Of Love… oh yeah, Flavor Flav was once in a band.

On occasion Natalie will try to explain things to me like who John Mayer is and I have to quickly correct her that I know exactly who he is.  Of course this is because he was on an episode of Chappelle’s Show… not because I can name any of his songs.  Likewise, in the car, one of us will be driving while the other is performing their wingman duties which are 1) looking out for cops, 2) distributing sandwiches, drinks and other food items and most importantly 3) acting as DJ.  There used to be a four which was reading maps but my Garmin Knight Industries Two Thousand does that more accurately than Natalie ever could. 

Another American job replaced by a robot.

The DJ duties are carried out by my Microsoft Zune opposed to Natalie’s iPod not because I like my stuff better but because I bought her the sleek 8gb iPod Nano and I bought myself the 30gb Zune Cinder Block giving us more options.  It’s the difference between a Miata and a Humvee.  I hear Microsoft uses the returned defective Zunes to fix the levees in New Orleans.

She’ll scroll through the titles complaining she doesn’t know any of the artists and I insist she does.

NATALIE: Who are The Cars?

JIM: You know The Cars.

NATALIE:  No I don’t.

JIM: Yes you do.  They’re good.  Put The Cars on.  Track one.

RIK OCASEK (LEAD SINGER FROM THE CARS):  I don’t mind you coming here… and wasting all my time.

NATALIE:  I don’t know this.

RIK OCASEK (LEAD SINGER FROM THE CARS): But when you’re standing oh so near… I kinda lose my mind.

NATALIE: Can I find something else?

Chorus starts.

RIK OCASEK (LEAD SINGER FROM THE CARS):  You know you’re just what I needed!

A light shines in Natalie’s head.

NATALIE: I KNOW THIS!  This is the Circuit City song!  (Singing) I needed someone like me!

The line is actually, “I needed someone to feed,” and don’t ask me what that means either… I just buy the stuff.  Natalie will also mishear lyrics all the time and will argue hers are better since she fancies herself a more accomplished lyricist than Bernie Taupin or Diane Warren.

NATALIE:  (Singing) Sherry don’t like it… rockin’ the cash bar… rockin’ the cash bar.

Somewhere all the members of The Clash wince in unison.

Much of our relationship moves in these circles.  Modern English’s “I’ll Melt With You” has become synonymous with fast food commercials.  Cheap Trick’s “I Want You To Want Me” is that song from the end of Ten Things I Hate About You.

Conversely, I am the one watching TV wondering why Beyonce has a charm that says “Upgrade” in her mouth and Natalie will point out, that’s a song.

JIM: “Upgrade” is a song?  We’ll that’s just stupid.  She might as well write a song about watching videos on her cell phone.

But it’s Beyonce so she could be singing how to conjugate verbs and I wouldn’t care as long as she bounced when she did it.

So we made our wedding playlist.  I vetoed none of hers.  Driving back from Orlando most of what I wanted never made it past the vetting stages.  It was considered dinner music that nobody could dance to.  That’s fine.  I really didn’t care.  It is her day.

If you were wondering, my day is every day afterwards for the rest of my life.

I get to pick the song we walk into the reception to (and no it will not be the Imperial March from Star Wars… the sheer fact any of you thought of it is reason enough for me not to do it).  I originally wanted Isaac Hayes’ “Theme From Shaft” but she put a bullet in that idea saying something about how she didn’t want the words, “…who’s a sex machine with all the chics?” said at her wedding.

Sorry baby, whether Isaac Hayes says it or not, somebody is bound to say it… and I’m just talkin’ ’bout Shaft.

So here is the point to all this: We’re taking requests.  Ground rules.  There will be no Chicken Dancing so don’t even try it.  There will be the Electric Slide, so no need to worry.  Apparently from what I understand, Natalie’s family carries a CD with the Electric Slide on it in the event a wedding breaks out.  I have vetoed anything with the words “Soulja” and “Boy” in the same title.  If anyone Supermans anything it’ll be done by two consenting adults in private.  Leave a comment (at http://www.maxwellford.wordpress.com) of something you would like played and most importantly, leave your name.  If you somehow stumbled across this blog and neither of us have ever met you and you want us to play Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” you can stop right now.

Even I have limits.

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One thought on “The Request Lines Are Open

  1. How about you play the Imperial March from Star Wars at some later, random part of the wedding, just to confuse people after they’ve had a few drinks?
    Congrats! (again)
    and welcome back from DC

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