I haven’t seen Twilight. You know, that movie all the girls (and a few disturbing women) are screaming about. Not that I won’t. There are James Bond films to see this holiday season that will always take priority to girly vampire movies.
So from my understanding of what this thing is about, there is some angsty high school girl (aren’t they all) and she meets hottie boy teen vampire (not to be confused to the less romantic but probably much funnier Teen Wolf). Then bad boy vampires show up and they fly and fight. I assume this all takes place somewhere in the northwest United States since they are wearing hoodies, I see trees and everything in tinted blue. And from the interviews I have glanced portions of, boy vampire hunk ‘o dreamy lovin’ is like a hundred years old.
Okay, I’m with you. Got it. Now here’s my deal:
Why the hell is he in high school?
Seriously, he looks like a grown man. It isn’t like he’s Claudia from Interview With The Vampire and forever trapped in the body of a ten year old girl. My nephew is eleven and if he were a hundred year old vampire walking around in the body of an eleven year old people would constantly be giving him shit.
Why aren’t you in school? Where are your parents? I don’t think you should be drinking that.
And this all ends with my vampire nephew Alex ripping someone’s throat out and eating them because adults don’t know when to shut the hell up and mind their own business. Hell, even that crazy vampire boy in Near Dark found vampire bikers to hang out with so he wouldn’t have to go to school. But those are kids. This is almost a grown ass man.
Which brings me to my next amazingly large leap in logic. High school kids are annoying. Super annoying.
I can’t even watch TV shows like Gossip Girl and 90210 (either version) and those kids have adult writers writing their nonsense babble and are much better looking than real high school kids. Is there anything more annoying than high school girls in love (and the flip side of that is is there anything more sad than high school boys in love)? I was at my old job at the bank fixing PCs a few years ago and there were two tellers in their late teens and after ten minutes of listening to them talk about each others friends and then getting married to the boyfriends they’ve had for six months and having babies “so their babies could be friends” I was completely ready to push the alarm, point my finger threateningly from inside my jacket pocket so the Police would arrive and promptly shoot me.
If John Hughes has taught us anything it’s that high school is a massive pain in the ass. Seriously, has anyone ever made a positive movie about high school?
And the first person that emails me with High School Musical is lucky plane tickets are so damn expensive otherwise I would fly to where you are and punch you in your useless wordhole. Those are musicals and I am talking about serious things here like vampires. Don’t even waste my time.
Who wants to deal with the worries of a high school girl, her stupid gossipy friends who think you’re weird and she can do better (and they will try and hook her up with other guys because they don’t like you… trust me on this one) and parents. Who wants to call a girl and have to deal with her parents? I was once twenty-two dating an eighteen year old who lived at home and if she wasn’t super cute I would have pulled the plug on that because her mom was full-tilt crazy. I’ll be damned if I am going to deal with that when I’m a hundred. I’ll probably just get a fake ID and pick up girls in bars, clubs and Craigslist like a normal dude.
Someone told me maybe high school girls are easier to pick up. Agreed. We all knew that guy who worked at the theatre dating girls six years younger than he was because he had his own place and they were impressed because he’d spin the tires on his ’92 Caprice Classic. The douche I knew who used to do that (along with bouncing the rear end of my ’87 Dodge Aries until it was diagonally parked and I couldn’t back out) became this guy. But you know what, normal girls aren’t hard to pick up when you’re 6’2″, lean and British.
In fact, I’d think any of those factors on their own (none of which I possess, mind you) would make picking up girls fairly easy but combined pretty much qualifies you for Weapon of Ass Destruction status. Brooding is just unnecessarily stacking the deck in your favor.
And here’s another thing: Can you imagine getting it on with a girl who’s seventeen meanwhile you’ve probably been with, I don’t know, hundreds of women? I am no expert and picking up the ladies. Seriously, my best line is, “I’m not Fred Flintstone but I’ll make your Bedrock.” Laugh all you want but humor goes a long way… humor and a little bit of pity that I am not above. I would think sex itself would get pretty boring after the first century, the last thing I want to do is break in a newbie.
Now that I think about it, after a century, what isn’t boring? Television? Movies? Music? Theatre? Losing your loved ones? I can completely see me spending twenty or thirty years being the guy I am now and then deciding, “This sucks. I think I am just going to start killing people to watch them die.” I’m immortal so life probably just got a whole lot cheaper. I’m already damned so it isn’t like I’m worried God is gonna smite me. I’m an undead vampire who can’t keep a day job so I’m probably always working nights, he’s already done his worse. Somehow soulless, Godless, minion of the damned doesn’t seem a place I’m not willing to go.
High school, however…