Ridiculous BIG

I was watching the news and heard the term “Big Oil” and was kinda puzzled.  I’ve heard it before so it wasn’t something that makes my brain freeze as if someone had said Skittle Kitten Pajamas or some other words that had no business together.  I’d heard of Big Tobacco, Big Government and Big Insurance Companies.  I have even heard Big Food referring to the McWhatABackyardBurgerKing stuffed into the back of the Texaco around the corner from my house.  But Big Oil?

Of course, if you’re me, the next question is, “is there a Little Oil?”

Is there some guy with an oil derrick in his backyard in suburbia with a four story derrick violating the Earth all day and night.  I know people that can’t park work trucks in their driveway.  What homeowner association would allow that?  Maybe he has a derrick off the coast of Texas.  He probably built it himself out of stuff he bought from Lowe’s and had a buddy with a fishing boat take it out and build it.  He and a few of his buddies operate it like those manly dudes on Black Gold or Axe Men or whatever blue collar job TLC has made into a series this month.

Explore the frozen sewers of Chicago with the men and women of Shitkickers.  Tuesdays nights on History Channel after Famous Nazi Recipes.

It’s really silly the more I think about it and purposely designed to make me think of other evil corporations.  I think all politicians should be forbidden to use the term “Big” as a prefix for any product while still endorsing the Free Market System.  The Free Market System is what leads to Big Tobacco and Big Oil.  I am sure there is Small Tobacco.  Some guy with a few acres, grows his own crop and sells it in local stores.  More power to that guy.

I have also been told I am addicted to oil.  Really?  I drive to work.  To the store (usually on the way home not because I don’t want to waste gas but because once my pants come off, which is pretty immediate, I’m in for the night… unannounced drop-inners be damned).  To some recreational places.  I don’t go muddin’ or have more gauges in my car than a 747 so I can street race faux-hawked dudes in 1988 Nissan Sentras at stop lights (and by the way, those guys are douches).  I don’t, I don’t know, drive around in circles for twenty four hours straight for entertainment.

I may be addicted to movies, my Xbox, my Tivo and my cell phone but oil is more like toilets.  It’s a necessity I take no particular pleasure in.  Can’t really curb my usage.

While I am complaining about useless syntax, there should be a moratorium on using the suffix “Gate” to identify a scandal.  Watergate is actually a hotel.  There was no need for Zippergate, Troopergate, Irangate, Contragate or the other ridiculous names that have been assigned to these “scandals.”  Just call them what they are:

Politicians doing dumb shit.


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