The White Devil’s Candy

I was enjoying a Fun Size pack of Peanut M&Ms, my personal favorite.  I don’t trust people who don’t like Peanut M&Ms the same way I don’t trust people who don’t like cheese on their hamburgers.  Seriously, why would you not want cheese?  Lactose intolerant… man up.  Everybody knows 95% of all food taste better with cheese or chocolate (the notable exception being Chinese foods).  I think Peanut Butter M&Ms are a joke.  I remember when they first came out and they acted like they invented candy miscegenation with packaging blaring NEW PEANUT BUTTER M&Ms!  And I thought, “Like Reese’s Pieces… twenty years ago.”

I also think Almond M&Ms are arrogant, fancy and elitist.

And while I am here: Why is everything that comes in small sizes immediately “Fun Sized?”  With the exception of Lil’ Kim, when did tiny determine their fun ratio?  We’re Americans.  We like things big and garish.  I saw a woman with one of those letter decal signs on her truck that said CALL CAROLYN BURNHAM, THE HIGHEST REAL ESTATE SELLER IN OCALA in giant in-your-face letters obstructing all the windows.  The fact she was driving an orange Humvee just made the whole thing all the more obscene.  I think Fun Sizes should be huge.  Things that are small should be called Snack Size.  Beer and liquor should be sold in both Fun and Snack Sizes.

So eating this bag of M&Ms I am looking at the corporate mascots on the small yellow bag.

M&M

Yeah, I scanned it.

Now here is what puzzles me (besides the fact that marketing firms create mascots with personalities and want me to eat them… I’m looking at you, McDonald nuggets) is they have Caucasian arms and legs.  The typical Mickey Mouse white shoes and gloves (never mind they have no pants or sleeves and are wearing gloves) but their arms and legs are exposed and Caucasian.  Logic dictates they should either a) be the color of the candy shell or b) be brown for the chocolate inside.  You could make the argument that the ‘skin’ color is the same as the peanut inside but that would only apply to Yellow, Red is just chocolate.

These are obviously the sweet, sweet candies of the white man.  Next week I’ll discuss the implied threat of “dangerous” black olives being kept in metal cans while green olives enjoy pretty glass jars.

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