Weird Stuff I Saw: Election Edition

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I know Arizona is where Floridian seniors go to die so crime is probably not an issue but do they have the lamest ballot security in history or what?  That’s a Walmart tub with a ziptie on it!  Really?  Talk about ballot tampering.  Anybody could buy another box just like it from Wally World (Big Lots if they were cheap revolutionaries) and swap the boxes with forged ballots… Danny Ocean style.  Or on the way to the Supervisor of Elections Office clip the ties, dump out half of them and then reseal the box with another red ziptie that they bought for $1.98 and still have forty nine to spare.

And why is there a red box and a blue box?  Is there a significance to that because if there is does John know he’s sticking his ballot in the Democrat box?  There is a Bill Clinton joke there but I let the easy ones go.

And since I will probably never have to say this again, Cindy McCain eerily reminds me of the White Witch of Narnia with her yellow eyes that can see how you’ll die.  If she gives you an apple, for God’s sake don’t eat it!  I heard if you exhale and she inhales at the same time she’ll absorb your soul.

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What the hell is Sarah Palin wearing here?  Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elain Benis wore a Cubs hat in the Yankee skybox?  Well here you go.  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe those were caribou or horses because you know, she’s Country First and all.  After staring at the neck I am pretty sure those are donkeys.

Either she’s oblivious and she’ll wear anything red. white and blue they hand her or she was purposely trying to sabotage McCain… Mel Brooks Producers-style.  I am going to assume that she’s in a room with another thousand Republicans and one of them would pull her aside and tell her, “Hey Sarah, let me tell you about the elephant not in the room.”

Apparently, Neiman Marcus is selling the same shit I can buy at the flea market next to Confederate belt buckles and Harley Davidson leather cigarette pouches.

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Okay.  Even I know this is wrong.  What the hell?  I don’t know what disturbs me more: that someone would stoop so low to make something like this or the image of my junk in George W Bush’s gaping maw.

Now if this were Monica Lewinsky it would have been the wittiest toilet joke ever.

Speaking of poor taste.  Yeah, yeah, I get it.  Socialist handouts are like welfare, blah blah blah.  I’m actually fine with the food stamp bit and the donkey body which adds to the double entendre that he’s an ass (which is very witty) but the Kool-Aid, watermelon, chicken and ribs?

This was mailed out to members of the Chaffee Community of Republican Women and I am pretty sure they didn’t think they had any black members.  They had two.  I am sure the key word is ‘had.’  If you can’t say something nice about someone, at least make sure they’re not in the room.

Remember when Ann Curry said 75% of people didn’t view race as a factor in this election…

meet the other 25%.

Okay.  This jackass named his baby after the Republican candidates.  Now you have to question the wisdom of doing that before an election.  That could seriously backfire.

Have you met my daughter Dukakis Bentsen Gonzalez?

No, this guy isn’t a jackass because of what he named his daughter… he’s a jackass because he did it after his wife already rejected it and while she was passed out after delivering his baby.  He claims it was his way of supporting the candidates and “getting the word out there.”  I guess he couldn’t just write McCain/Palin ’08 in soap on his car like a normal person.  The good news is his wife can probably go to the courthouse and change the baby’s name and file for her divorce all at the same time.

I once heard of a guy who two months after his wife had their baby bought her a treadmill.  Never mind that she never once commented she was unhappy about her weight and that he was pushing three bills.

Natalie and I veto preemptive baby names all the time.  Last weekend she was upstairs and I asked if I could name a son Brando and she quick invoked her veto privileges.  The same power she exercised on Lucas Harrison Ford and Kool Moe Dee Ford (okay, the latter of the two I should have seen coming).  Natalie tried to float Barack by me Wednesday morning and I promptly shut her down.  I’ll wait until the first term is up.  I don’t want to saddle my kid with the 2012 equivalent of William Harrison.

There was a black family that gave birth to a son on Election Day and named him Samuel Barack Obama Whatever which is cool.  It’s cool because they’re black people and he’s the first black President.  Also because he actually won and more importantly the wife consented.  Notice, they left the Hussein out because maybe someday they’ll want their kid to run for President.

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One thought on “Weird Stuff I Saw: Election Edition

  1. Seriously, I am running out of steam with about half this country. You know, the half that voted for McPain and Caribou Barbie.

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