Original Gangster

As always, hyperlinks are in blue.

I generally view film critic Roger Ebert as insane.  My proof of this is his three-star review of the movie Congo (1995) (which after thirteen years have never found anybody who actually likes it but then again, I don’t know any mentally challenged people) and half-star review of The Ghost In The Darkess (1996) which I assume is a result of brain damage done by Congo.  I’ll also submit his review for Wet Hot American Summer (2001) which is either genius, stupid or just a bored critic who likes to hear himself talk.

At the same time, he’s the only critic I ever religiously read.  When I was fifteen I read his 1987 Roger Ebert’s Movie Yearbook, a three inch thick collection of that year’s reviews and selected reviews from previous decades.  It’s a reference book, not meant to be read cover-to-cover.  If you really want to have a good laugh pick up a copy of Roger Ebert’s Bigger Little Movie Glossary which is a book of film cliches he collected over the years (some of my favorites are whenever someone in a movie goes grocery shopping they will always have a paper bag with either french bread or celery sticking out of the top or whenever someone gets fired from a job all their belongings can be packed on one box regardless of how long they’ve been there).  He’s the person that brought film criticism to the mainstream and made me want to be a film critic (before I realized everybody hates film critics and their job in mainstream entertainment is essentially pointless… much like having Gordon Ramsey critique a buffalo wings at Hooters).

I don’t read his reviews much anymore but I read his Questions For The Movie Answer Man column every Friday.  And every now and again the genius returns.

Q. Yo dude, u missed out on “Disaster Movie,” a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
– S.J. Stanczak, Chicago

A. Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?
– Roger Ebert

He-sterical.  Now that may be a joke.  I find it a little hard to believe somebody who would write a letter in text speak to Earth’s only Pulitizer Prize winning film critic actually goes to his sites and reads his reviews but I do know people who talk like this.  And I understand the ‘b4’ and ‘r u’ save time while texting but this was an emailed letter.  Also, ‘was’ spelled as ‘wuz’ isn’t saving time, it just makes you seem illiterate.  Regardless, I thought it was funny.

PS – I hate the word ‘prolly.’


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