Backward Forwards

I just checked my email and I have like six forwards from the same person.  This isn’t a person I speak to regularly.  Most of my communication from this person are through forwards.

And they’re incredibly lame.

The bad part is I have to read them.  It’s like the junk mail I get at home.  I open every one of them and I know it’s Toyota with a flimsy key that promises me riches and a Tercel if I come down there and open some chest.  I open these forwards and sometimes they’re four and five letters deep to even get to lame joke/picture/flash video of a monkey falling out of a tree.  Maybe a picture of Karl Rove’s face morphed onto Emperor Palpatine.  Hillary Clinton making out with Saddam Hussein.  There’s a dude who sends me nothing but Republican propaganda which is fine and well but those aren’t my politics.  It’s like sending Christmas cards to Muslims.  Just kind of a waste of time and energy.

My friend Heidi’s girlfriend, Crystal, always sends these news bulletins about not drinking water from a plastic bottle or Target is owned by the French and supports funding immigrant baby abortions or if you go to this website Microsoft is beta testing Internet Explorer 8 and they’ll send you a free Xbox.  Usually within an hour a half-dozen people have probably emailed her an article from disproving this and she sends out an apology.

I file Crystal under the heading of “Means Well.”  She doesn’t know and she truly is a sweet kind woman.  However, those people who send me psuedo-blessings with the caveat I forward it to another ten people… those people are bastards.  That’s like naming names in front of the house of Un-American Activities.  I thought you were wishing good will for me but it seems nice things will befall me if I give you the names of my friends, otherwise I am doomed.  Those people are like some evil wish-granting Amway salesman.

This behavior is tolerated on the internet.  Can you imagine if Jehovah’s Witnesses came to your door and after they were done asked for ten addresses of your friends and you gave them to them?

“Do you know Jesus has a special plan for you?  How did we find you?  Jim Ford gave us your address.”

I’d be punched in the face by the end of the weekend.

I hate deleting emails blindly because I always think there may be some relevant information within.  There isn’t.  It’s the same mentality that I don’t hangup on telemarketers, I tell them I’m not interested and they usually keep going and I tell them they can either back away and nobody gets hurt or I will hang up on them.  Nobody wants to be hung up on and they always take it well.  When the Jehovah’s Witness come to my door I feel kinda good because they are trying to help me but unfortunately they are always trying to save my immortal soul while I am watching MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME or playing Rainbow Six Vegas and honestly, I’d rather be watching Tina Turner host a steel cage match with a mongoloid and a midget or killing terrorists than having my soul saved.  I tell them, sincerely, I’m good with what I got, but thanks for thinking about me.  They usually get on their bikes and peddle off.  I never take their literature because I know I am going to just throw it away and that’ll make me feel guity which is odd because I struggle with my faith but in the event I am wrong, I don’t want to be throwing away God’s newsletter.  I once took a Bible someone gave me and spent three days tricking someone into taking it because I couldn’t bring myself to throw it in the trash.

I’d like to think that little trick maybe saved some dude who needed saving and got him on the right path with his life.  More than likely, it’s in a landfill somewhere.


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