My Little China Girl (Ooh Baby, Just You Shut Your Mouth)…

In between watching Mike Phelps win everything he touches (I think Meredith Vieira just said he won a Latin Grammy, the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Darwin Award last night), I heard this dumbass story:

The little nine year old Chinese girl who sang at the opening ceremonies was lip-syncing, no big deal, Whitney Houston lip-synced (lip-sanced?) The Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl.  That’s fairly common.  Oh wait, Chinese girl lip-synced for another girl because she was, wait for it, cuter than the real singer.

Ouch.  That must really suck be a girl in China (already a mark against you), invited to sing at the Olympics (woo hoo!) in what is essentially your country’s coming out party for the twenty-first century (awesome!) and then told your too fugly to represent your country (d’oh!).

It reminds me of that thing they do on American Idol where they tell you get out… but before you go, sing us another song so we can see why you lost.  You should be allowed to do that everywhere.  You break up with someone… but before you go, can you make me a grilled cheese sandwich?

Seriously, has anyone ever seen an ugly Chinese kid?  No, you know why… because they’re all adorable.  Everybody knows that.  There are unwanted babies in Africa, Europe and South America but nobody adopts those because everybody wants Asian babies.  The hierarchy of cute babies is always Asians, Blacks, Indians and everybody else ties for fourth.

And those pale, pasty Irish kids with the blue veins I can see through their skin Lestat-style… well at least you’ll grow up to make great beer and you have the lock on redheads so that’s something.

Everybody thinks they’re babies are cute, but they aren’t.  And it only gets worse the older you get.  In fact, when someone inevitably asks me (referring to their own child), “isn’t she the cutest baby you’ve ever seen,” I always answer with a, “she’s okay,” “cute considering the parents,” or an “I’ve seen better.”

That’s what they get for asking me loaded questions.  That’ll teach them.  Nobody likes your kid as much as you do (and possibly your parents).

Oh wait.  I forgot bi-racial babies.  Okay, as babies, they’re nothing special but when they grow up, step back and look at those chicks through a box with a pinhole because your human eyes won’t be able to stand the pretty.  I am so glad we had segregation because without it there is no Rihanna and that’s a world I just don’t want to be a part of.  And while I am at it I would like to do as much as possible to encourage Latinos and Asians to hook up because the world could use some more Filipino/Cuban chicks.

Why is Philippines spelled with a ‘PH’ and Filipino spelled with an ‘F’?

Anyway.  Here is that kid.  The pretty one they used is on the right.  The talented one they thought was a skank is on the left.

Sure, she isn’t giving Kelly Hu a run for her money and I am sure Nautica Thorne is sleeping fine tonight.  But Honorable Royal Emperor Grand Dragon of China, you should have cut her a break.

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