Twenty-Three Things You May Not Have Known About Natalie Maxwell

In honor of my fiance Natalie Maxwell’s twenty-eighth birthday on July 2, these are some of the things I have learned about her in the past year.  As always, anything in bold blue is a link.

  1. Complains about my “old people music” (which is from the seventies and early eighties) and how she doesn’t know these songs. This goes on for forty seconds of complaining it’s old until the chorus and she realizes it’s American Pie by Don McLean… at which point she has a eureka moment that she knows the song which is followed by a declaration that the song still sucks (although admittedly not as bad as the Madonna cover.
  2. Her dessert or choice is cake. She swears by the superb skills of the Publix Bakery although I have bought her cake from Wal-Mart on several occasions and she never knows the difference. Let’s be clear I am not trying to trick her, I just don’t tell her where it’s from.
  3. Yells for me to change the channel when a there is a commercial for a horror movie. Apparently small Asian children scare her. In her defense, they scare me, too.
  4. Keeps a roll of paper towels in her car per her father’s advice. Her sister, Brittany, does the same thing. It’s fairly unsightly to see a full roll of kitchen paper towels in the back seat of a car since you can’t properly hide them. This would be funnier if she’d ever read Douglas Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy which I am pretty sure she hasn’t.
  5. Uses the phrase, “Holy Moley” in actual conversation as an exclamation with complete seriousness. Like Oopsie Daisey, Double Dog Dare, and Golly Gee Willikers, these are rare outside of the vocabulary of ten year old children in the 1950s and Billy Batson. When accomplishing a great feat she will also yell out, “SHUCKY DUCKY QUACK QUACK!”… whatever that means.
  6. Suffers from an affliction common in human females and birds that if she’s covered with a blanket she’ll immediately fall asleep. Also, all places in America are too cold. I have a theory this is one of her fascinations with Mexico isn’t the love of the people, music, food or culture as she claims but because it’s fairly warm and they don’t have air conditioning. I once saw her put a knit scarf on in March while I was wearing shorts (which I always wear shorts). I am not sure if she was genuinely cold or just wanted to look cute in a knit scarf… regardless, I refused to be seen with her like that.
  7. Every few weeks she does her hair. This is a six-hour process I look forward to because it means I’ll get to watch three movies in a row using the excuse I am keeping her company. During this time I like to refer to her as Farina. She does not know who Farina is.
  8. Lives in fear that someone will break into her Hyundai Accent and steal her belongings. She leaves nothing in her car overnight (including her trunk). She will unload her car every evening which means laptops, luggage, books, work for home, etc and then ten hours later load everything back in. She does this knowing someone keeps a Lexus SUV thirty feet across the parking lot from her car.
  9. Has a collection of Winnie The Poohs she’s had since the first one her father gave her. Very specifically, Disney Winnie The Pooh. Classic Pooh “is crap.” I personally like Classic Pooh because I believe bears with polo shirts and no pants are just pervs. Naked bears are just natural.
  10. She watches very little television which mostly consists of HGTV. She votes every season for the next Design Star (whatever that is) and takes pride in picking the winner. I watch HGTV with her to test the accuracy of my Gaydar, while not nearly as accurate as my Blackdar or Pregdar, it has become fairly well-honed. Natalie says it doesn’t count on HGTV, E! or Style Network.
  11. Bought the entire series of Sex And The City at Christmas for $15 a season. The sixth season was split into two parts and she refused to buy them because it was one season being sold as two and that’s robbery. So I had to go buy the remaining seasons to complete the series because I have a very low (mostly humorous version of) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the incomplete series was making me nuts.
  12. Often makes cookies in the evening while watching old episodes of My Name Is Earl. Whenever they say his complete name (Earl J Hickey) she chuckles because she thinks his name is funny. She has also come to the conclusion Earl’s ex-wife, Joy Turner, is the most un-feminist character on television and has somehow managed to be her favorite.
  13. Yells at the television during news broadcasts as if Glenn Beckcould hear her and engage her in a debate. I often have to pause the TV so she can get it out of her system and I can hear whatever act of douchebaggery Ann Coulter has to say.
  14. Is very excited to play video games although she sucks at all of them. She got excited when she caught me playing Frogger and as I was explaining the controls she yelled, “I know how to play Frogger,” and promptly died. She blames the complexity of the Xbox controller. I blame poor motor skills lost during her years of “book learnin.'”
  15. She hates Disney World. Not as a theme park but mostly as a corporate conglomerate. I specifically proposed to her there so she’d have to like it a little. The next time I plan something special it’ll be at the Republican Convention just to cheese her off.
  16. She is quick to poke fun at my low-level Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which, had I a show on USA Network solving crimes would be he-sterical) but doesn’t find it odd that she schedules in her Palm Pilot when to change the water filter and flip her mattress.
  17. Will often ask me some nerd related question so she can understand a comment she heard one of my friends say which usually ends with me explaining, “Hal Jordan was a test pilot who found Abin Sur who was a Green Lantern, which is like a cop for the universe. That dude died and gave Hal this ring which is an all-powerful weapon and protects him so he could be the new Green Lantern and defend Earth.” Then Natalie says, “if the ring protects him how did the alien Green Lantern die.” I have no answer for this and I am tired of her questioning my childhood.
  18. She’s a packrat. She throws very few things away. She gets this trait from her mother and I believe it’s common of lawyers in general. In the consolidation of households I found a box of cassette tapes I was ready to throw out. I asked does she even have a cassette player and she said she does for when she goes walking. If you didn’t know, Natalie goes walking for thirty minutes an evening in 1990. She protested because she might someday need these. Sweetie, nobody needs to own a cassette copy of MC Hammer‘s “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ’em.”
  19. Natalie is completely unable to tell a joke properly. I have seen her try but like a monkey riding a bicycle, I know it can be done… it just never looks natural. There is no real joke or funny story here. It’s actually kind of sad.
  20. Jimmy Doesn’t Know: Natalie has a crush on Matt Damon. Not so unusual except she generally doesn’t like his films (with the exception of the Bourne movies which fit her formula for action films (Cute Boys * Ass Kicking / Explosions, carry the unnecessary gore = Good Natalie Action Movie)). After careful analysis she’s convinced me that Matt Damon’s films are better choices than Ben Affleck’s but not much better to actually watch. I am not threatened by any of this since he’s in California and I am here and reaping the benefits of her getting all worked up after Rounders. Whatever, that dude’s middle name is Paige and I was smart enough not to be in All The Pretty Horses.
  21. She watches Reality TV shows to add simulated drama to her otherwise (and thankfully) drama-free existence.  This mostly comes from HGTV The Next Design Star (where somebody manages to cry every week over chartreuse), Work Out (where a bunch of lesbians can’t decide which one of them is hotter) and on occassion Flavor Of Love Girls in Charm School.  If you haven’t seen that last one it’s essentially The Bachelor if the bachelor was a washed-up crackhead Yoko Ono responsible for the downfall of one of the best Hip Hop bands of the eighties and all the girls were hoodrats with an intimate knowledge of which five inch clear heels will look best while hanging from a stripper pole.  I actually had to download the final episode from Xbox Live so she could see it.  I am starting to think this whole feminist thing is just an excuse to get out of the house.  In her defense, she doesn’t watch this much.
  22. Natalie has a collection of t-shirts of things she’s done and places she’s been.  The ones I am talking about are not t-shirts from cities or colleges.  No, these are the t-shirts most people keep and in the next purging cycle throw out.  There are a plethora of shirts from various family reunions.  Last night’s was from a Chili Cook-Off she volunteered at so she could see some free bands play.
  23. Natalie sings the incorrect lyrics to songs (unknowingly) and when corrected adamantly insist her revised lyrics are better.  Admittedly, her lyrics: “Sherry don’t like it… rockin’ the cash bar… rockin’ the cash bar,” doesn’t make any less sense than the original lyrics.
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One thought on “Twenty-Three Things You May Not Have Known About Natalie Maxwell

  1. haha, i love this!! and natalie, i love joy, too. even if i do cringe at the stereotypes.

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