Eyeshadow Of The Empire

What the hell is wrong with people?  I am watching the news this morning and my good friend Meredith Viera tells me cosmetics companies are marketing makeup to preschoolers.  I don’t blame Revlon because somebody has to pay John Cougar’s hottie wife.  My question is who buys this crap?

Makeup is designed to make you more attractive.  Is this something preschoolers should be concerned with?  What do they need concealer for?  Hell, I am not even sure what concealer is but I am assuming it conceals something.  I think kids should be presentable.  Clean faces, clean clothes, not look like they just finished playing in a dumpster behind the KFC.  I once saw a ten year old girl in shorts and heels at the Kwik-E-Mart.  Not clunky Kiss Army heels, but “that’ll be fifty and your friend can watch for another twenty” heels.

I heard breast implants are the most requested gift for sixteen year old girls.  If my daughter asks me for breast implants when she’s sixteen my head is just going to implode and I have failed as a father because for some reason my daughter thinks she should be racked out at sixteen. Great, then I can drive her to Hooters where she can work until she gets a job as a real stripper.  My daughter asks for implants, I’m locking her in her room with a stack of Judy Blume books until she works it out.  Hopefully, Natalie will be better at this than I am.

And speaking of my sweet Baboo… she’s a feminist.  I am not a 100% what that means but she’s happy I am a male and own a copy of THELMA & LOUISE (Ridley Scott’s best film, ALIEN be damned) and I am pretty sure every time a mother buys implants or makeup for their daughter or Paris Hilton steps out of bed it’s working against her.

Maybe implants will help Ripley’s (that’s our imaginary daughter’s name) self-esteem but I’d like to think her esteem wasn’t tied to her bra size or what people said about her.  And they are just going to attract boys.  And there is always competition.  She could get her boob job and Winona across the street is in the front yard in a bikini with her A-cup breasts, sitting on a keg of beer, eating a six-foot sandwich and playing Xbox 360 on a 65″ TV and I am pretty sure she’ll steal Ripley’s boyfriend and send the Spider-Sense of boys from here to Michigan tingling uncontrollably.

And we can argue that society forces these images and standards or beauty and I won’t disagree but women don’t dress for men… women dress for women.  Things men find sexy, women find vile.  I’ve seen polls on this.  Men like panty lines.  We like knowing what kind of underwear you’re wearing even though we’re never going to see you in it.  I like the double-bubble effect when the boobs look like they’re trying to escape a bra that is two sizes too small.  It reminds me of baking bread.  Men like chunky girls.  Every guy I know would rather have Bridget Jones’ chunky ass every day and twice on a Sunday than have to cuddle up with the fourteen year old boy that is Roxie Hart.  Men like porno girls and strippers who dress like… well, porno girls and strippers and when women see other women dressed like that, they hate them.  They don’t hate them because they are holding women back but they hate them because they are willing to do something to get attention that other women aren’t willing to do.

And I have never once seen a man comment on how much he likes a woman’s shoes yet women keep buying them.  Just admit, you buy them for you, not for us.  I am tired of taking the heat on that one.

Yes, we live in a culture that televises awards for pretty people under the pretense they are scholarship pageants.  Sell that bullshit to the tourists, I’m not buying.  The day I see someone in that contest that is 160lbs is the same day Flavor Flav gets his NAACP Image Award.  Magazines have their 50 Most Beautiful issue and Sports Illustrated keeps trying to convince me that just wearing a swimsuit is a sport… oh yeah, that was when they wore swimsuits, now they just paint them on.  I guess because I am a moron I can’t tell that America Ferreira is a hottie (there I go with my Latinas again) and no amount of ponchos and glasses will ever make her UGLY BETTY.

There is a Chris Rock joke that being a father of girls is hard because you know you daughter is one hug too many or one hug to little from dancing on a table for truckers in sweatpants.

Go home.  Call your sister, your wife, your girlfriend, that woman you work with who is 115 pounds eating her Lean Cuisine and tell them they’re okay and just fine the way they are.

We all can’t be Salma Hayek.

Revision: Apparently I was telling this story to my friend Jessica and she said the teaser I saw for the story was very misleading.  Essentially it still is shitty little girl makeup, just slightly better, and the boutique is hosting what I have been told is the equivalent of Princess Parties (whatever the hell that is).  Rant uncalled for.  Crisis averted.

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